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What not to play at an 80's party.

As well as the great 80s music classics the 1980s also produced some very poor pop, if you are having an 80s party here are some of the tunes to steer clear of. We do not wish to offend anyone who may like any of these tunes, so we give our reasons why each record is on our "What not to play at a 80's party list." The list is no particular order, as each tune is as bad as the next, however some really naff 80s tunes like Stars on 45, and charity records escape being on the list because these tunes were "of the moment" and at the time were just a bit of fun, designed to get people on the dance floor. Charity records were in reaction to an emergency and a way to motivate people to make a contribution to a good cause. The cause is good even if the record is rubbish.

For us the worst music is always gong to be the novelty record. These records may tell a funny story that's not so funny after hearing it for the tenth time. These are records a DJ has to waste money on, and after a week or two will get on every ones nerves, novelty records make up most of our worst 80s music selection. We include a couple of stars on 45 spin offs because these tunes overworked the formula and there are limits.

Laurie Anderson's - O superman

This was a very strange mix of talking and not much music, we could never understand why this tune got so high in the charts. In oct 1981 it got to number two but was held from the top spot by Its my party (Dave Stewart and Barbara Gaskin) for us, O superman is really boring record.

The Brat - Chalk dust

In reaction to one of John Maceroes famous tennis tantrums he saw "Chalk dust". We cant believe it either.

Joe Dolce - Shut up your Face

This was one of the two records that kept Vienna by Ultrovox from hitting the top spot. The other was Women by the late John Lennon.

The Tweets - Birdie song

When this record was in the charts (about 1981) It was a sure fire floor filling smash for the 70 something's, so the only time we would play this is at a 100th birthday party.

Paul McCartney - Frog song

Was this also called we all stand together, no sit down, lie down and fall asleep to this one. In any case its terrible.

Spitting image - Chicken song

Really this should be excused on the grounds its simply highlighting the fact that

  • Novelty records are Rubbish
  • Novelty records are pointless beyond the fact they exploit the record buying public
  • People who buy them are stupid

Yes we did buy this record, the extended 12 inch with a remix on the b side. However at the time it was number one in the charts we played it just once and it caused a dance floor walk off.

Black lace - Superman

This tune makes Aggado (also by Black lace) sound like a disco classic, Super man is slow boring and with a silly party dance routine, it will work well on that 100th birthday party if nobody wants to dance.

Minder - What are we gonna get er indoors

Forget singing the theme tune, Arthur and Terry should have also stayed indoors and away from the recording studio, This was a very lame Christmas record, in an attempt to cash in the huge success of 80's tv show Minder. Er indoors would not have been pleased to get this festive flop from Gorge Cole and Dennis Waterman in her Christmas stocking.

The Firm - Arthur Daleys (e's alright)

This novelty record also played on the popularity of TV show Minder which was a massive hit for ITV in the early to mid 80's. The gullible record buying public must have been minder mad to let this get into the Uk music charts.

The Firm Star Trekking

Building on their earlier classic works Star Trekkin got to number One in 1987 and stayed there for a two weeks. Based on the brilliant star trek series, this may have been a party record, but not as we know it.

st Winifreds school choir - There's no one quite like Grandma

This tune was the last number one of 1980 and it took the late John lennon's imagine to shift from the top spot in January 1981. Sick bag on stand by, perhaps the girls where trying to kill Grandma off by boring her to death. Sorry Gran, that 100th we been talking about we will play it then and not before.

Wonder Dog - Ruff mix

Terrible, terrible naff record, made by Simon Cowell, it consisted of a dog barking to the beat its a rough mix alright. X factor wanabies should try doing a rendition of this at the audition just to see Simon Cowell's face. We must have been barking mad to buy this one, its a right dogs diner.

Morris minor and the mg's - Stutter rap

Very politically incorrect comedy record, a spoof of the VW badge wearing Beastie boys, comedian Tony Hawks was involved in this one.

Roland rat - Rat Rap

Saved TV am but this didn't stop him punishing us by making several terrible songs.

Kenny Everate - Snot rap

Kenny was great, very funny and a brilliant tv presenter and radio DJ unfortunately he should have stuck to playing records rather than making them.

Harry Enfield - Loads of money

Look at my wad, at the time we loved the Loads of money character, but now regret making Mr Enfield's wad that bit bigger by buying this tosh.

Keith Harris plus Orville - Orville's song

Yuck. Sorry but Orville defiantly laid an Egg.

Matchroom boys - snooker loopy(nuts are we)

Good old chas and dave were involved in this one, it was the theme tune from BBC ones big break TV show. I think they got the tune from a stage show called Hunting the snark, However like everything on this page I just using my 80's memory brain so I might be way off.

Mc mike - Holiday rap

Holiday was a good enough tune, if it needed a rap in it Mike should ave given the mic back to Madonna.

Pump up the bitter - Stars on 45 (pints)

Like most of these records we would have bought it at the time but never actually played it. However it was a spoof of the novelty format stars on 45. I know Chas and dave also did a similar spoof ie stars over 45 which is not included in this list because Chas and Dave have never taken themselves seriously, their just out to enjoy themselves and so should we. Pump up the bitter However was a play on a 1987 Number one record M.A.RS pump up the volume which it self started life as the B side to the far superior Cybils My Love is guaranteed. Also it was released about 5 or 6 years after the stars on 45 series and was no longer relevant. Its a worn out spoof of a b side, the bitter was very flat.

Happy talk - Captain Sensible

Originally a tune from south pacific Happy talk was a number one back in about 1982. Captain sensible was formerly the drummer from the Dammed. Maybe he was doing his own thing, making a few quid and the joke was on us. I remember this tune entered the charts at around 33, and radio one DJ Dave Lee Travis said how much he loved it, and next week it was at number one. No 70's punk rocker should ever have been reduced to this, playing Rogers and Hamerstein and getting recommended by DLT. Happy talk may sound ok as a ring tone though.

Neil - Hole in my shoe

Young ones, great. Soppy Neil as a singer sorry no. I can excuse him and rest of the young ones gang doing Living doll with cliff, because it was for Charity (imaging Smash and nicey saying that). But Hole in My shoe and the follow up single (which was something about a white Bicycle cant exactly remember) was just an attempt to trade in the stupid record buying public insatiable demand for novelty records.

Camouflage Stan Ridgway

I am not sure if this was really for real. Strangely this tune worked in so many ways, catchy and with reasonable production values however it was just the odd subject matter that I didn't understand, A marine caught in a barrage saved by a solider called camouflage. Odd.

Anita Dobson - Any one can fall in love

She may be married to that PHD Star gazing guitarist from queen but Angie should have stayed behind the bar at the Queen Vic and never dreamt of doing the the Eastenders theme tune to music. Any one can fall in Love, well Den didn't think that way.

Lulu shout

The original 1965 lulu recording of this record , made when she was about 15 years old is a masterpiece. In 1986 someone said lets re-record shout and jazz it up a bit, 80's style. Its Naff, Lame and made the original unplayable for about 5 years.

Royal Philharmonic Orchestra - Hooked on classics

A load of classical music samples were strung together with a backing drumbeat to jazz it up. I remember this being played on top of the pops, Teenagers bopping around to the sounds of Mozart and Beethoven etc is just not right. I am not saying classical music is rubbish but its wrong to give it the stars on 45 treatment. Some people might have thought it would help bring classical music to the record buying masses but instead it was pants. You had to be Brahms and Liszt to dance to this one.

Jive Bunny - Every thing by Jive Bunny

To finish our list of 80s pop flop we have to include the complete works of Jive Bunny. Although the producers of the series made stacks of money and good luck to them, these tunes were just Stars on 45 clones. By the late 80s this format was very old fashioned. At the time and although popular with some people, if the DJ played one at a party it could easily create a walk off. However medley type records have always been around, so at some point this format will be back in vogue, and unfortunately back in the UK charts again.

I also thought to include Lobo in my worst 80's music list but didn't, however I thought I would mention it, just in case you thought I missed it. For those who don't know Lobo made another stars on 45 style track this time with the sounds of the Caribbean. I think however it works, I haven't played it for many years but if I had it with me and if a record like Hot, hot, hot worked well then this tune could well end up on my play list for the night.

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